Just had a chat with my mum and my sisters at 1am on the 27 Dec. We were discussing our family’s financial position and possible options for my dad. My dad who is extremely distressed and unhappy over his job because he has terrible superiors. While it is easy to stand from the sidelines and say “just deal with it”, “ren.(tolerate)” the situation is actually very cruel on him. His superior makes awful unnecessary comments about him and crushes his ego to a point where it is hurtful even for me as a daughter to hear. It makes me consider and weigh my own financial options. Should I take up more tuition classes? Should I work harder and start a business quickly? But at the expense of what? My studies, my time, my health, my expenses. I think nothing is impossible.. Only if we are willing to exchange something for it. Should I also become more spiritually sensitive? Should I be vegetarian, should I pray more..

Sometimes I wish I was smarter and more capable because I hope to juggle everything. I should stop hoping and start acting. I need to be smarter and better than my friends to do well in my studies. I need to work faster so that I have time to do my work and teach and still get rest. I need to be more diligent to always keep learning and speak intelligently because it is a useful skill. I need to learn values and open my heart and mind so that i wont spend too much time feeling upset about myself.

Update 29 Dec

I feel that sometimes it is tough to talk to my parents because they are so unfriendly. Sometimes despite our love for them we still end up feeling like they are not the most perfect role models and beings. Sometimes they are contradictory, peculiar abt the things they choose to be upset about, and do things that hurt people. It is true that no humans are perfect and I cannot expect flawless parents. Its just that when I start growing older, I realize the flaws and feel its impact on myself and the people around me, this it makes me feel kinda sad. Are their frowning faces their true self?Because they dont show it to people from outside our home. Why do they only show kindness to people who are not from home?

Update: 31 Dec 2016

I complained and lamented to Little elephant abt my parents as we were casually chatting. He said that perhaps my mum is more irritable because my dad’s mood has been eating into her. I think its very much possible because as a wife, you have a duty to share the woes of your husband. Sometimes it is tough to be happy when people around you is always so unhappy. I am sorry mum.

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